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NOT READY FOR PARENTHOOD?

You're not ready to be a parent unless you can pass the following tests:

• Mess test -- Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in a wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
• Toy test -- Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake the little ones at night).
• Grocery store test -- Borrow one or two small goats and take them grocery shopping with you. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
• Dressing test -- Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
• Feeding test -- Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Tie jug to ceiling fan blade. Turn fan on. Try to insert spoonfuls of oatmeal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. When finished, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
• Night test -- Fill a small cloth bag with about 10 pounds of sand. Soak the bag in warm water. At 8pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4am. Set alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
• Physical test -- (women) Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
• Physical test -- (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest grocery store and do the same. On the way home purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final assignment: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

MEN VS. WOMEN

According to AttuWorld.com, it's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a psychologist
15. a pest exterminator
16. a psychiatrist
17. a healer
18. a good listener
19. an organizer
20. a good father
21. very clean
22. sympathetic
23. athletic
24. warm
25. attentive
26. gallant
27. intelligent
28. funny
29. creative
30. tender
31. strong
32. understanding
33. tolerant
34. prudent
35. ambitious
36. capable
37. courageous
38. determined
39. true
40. dependable
41. passionate
42. compassionate

Without forgetting to:

43. give her compliments regularly
44. love shopping
45. be honest
46. be very rich
47. not stress her out
48. not look at other girls

And, at the same time:

49. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
50. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
51. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

While understanding how important it is to:

52. never forget birthdays, anniversaries and arrangements she makes

On the other hand, here's how to make a man happy:

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

FIVE TIPS THAT WILL GIVE YOU A PERFECT MEMORY

(Sun) Scientific research proves that we forget half of what we hear after 30 minutes. But five simple tricks will permit you to remember everything you hear forever:

1. Repeating what you hear as soon as you hear it will move the information from short-term memory into long-term memory. For example, if you're introduced to a stranger, figure out a way to mention her name in the ensuing conversation.
2. The human brain can store no more than seven bits of information at a time. If someone tells you something, chunk the information into small pieces and repeat them to yourself several times.
3. Write information down - even if you don't have pen and paper. Just tracing the words in the air with your finger will etch them in your memory.
4. Listen. When we're in a conversation, a lot of our attention is focused on what we're going to say next and not on what's coming out of the other person's mouth. Pay close attention.
5. Make mental "photographs" with the information written on them.

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25 SIGNS YOU'RE HEARING A LIE

It's possible to determine if that person is lying to you just by carefully watching for clues. According to Sheri and Bob Stritof, authors of "Your Guide to Marriage" on About.com, there are specific verbal and nonverbal clues we all give when we tell a fib. While few people would exhibit all of these, it's the rare person who can tell a lie and not exhibit some of them.

1. Touching the chin or rubbing the brow
2. Crossed arms or legs
3. Playing with hair
4. A line of perspiration on the brow if it isn't a warm day
5. Saying "no" several times
6. Continually denying accusations
7. Being extremely defensive
8. Providing more information and specifics than necessary
9. Inconsistencies in what is being shared
10. Body language and facial expressions don't match what is being said such as saying "no," but nodding the head up and down
11. Smugness
12. Placing a barrier, such as a desk or chair, in front of self
13. Uncommon calmness
14. Unwillingness to touch spouse during conversation
15. Being hesitant
16. Slouching posture
17. Rigidity or fidgeting
18. Differing behaviors; not acting in a usual fashion
19. Unnatural or limited arm and hand movements
20. Partial shrug
21. Lack of finger pointing
22. Unusual voice fluctuations, word choice, sentence structure
23. Stalling the conversation by repetitive use of pauses and comments like "um" or "you know"
24. Lack of use of contractions; prefers emphasizing "not" when talking
25. Avoidance of eye contact, eyes glancing to the right, staring past you, or turning away from you while talking.

 MOM'S DICTIONARY OF MEANINGS

• Dumbwaiter -- One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
• Feedback -- The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
• Full Name -- What you call your child when you're mad at him.
• Grandparents -- The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
• Hearsay -- What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
• Independent -- How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
• Puddle -- A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
• Show Off -- A child who is more talented than yours.
• Sterilize -- What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
• Top Bunk -- Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
• Two-Minute Warning -- When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.
• Whodunit -- None of the kids that live in your house.

GETTING OLDER

 Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...
• All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
• I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
• Accidents in the back seat - cause kids.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
• When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
• It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.

EIGHT WORDS WOMEN USE AND MEN SHOULD BE AFRAID OF

• Fine -- This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
• Five Minutes -- If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
• Nothing -- This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
• Go Ahead -- This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
• Loud Sigh -- This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
• That's Okay -- This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
• Thanks -- A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
• Don't worry about it, I got it -- Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3
   

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Right And Wrong Times To Do Things

Here's the best times to do things, compiled by abcnews.com:

• Work on your most important tasks in the morning. That's because, several hours before you wake up, your body produces the stress hormone cortisol, which increases your blood sugar and give you the energy you need to accomplish difficult tasks.
• Make a presentation at 10am. That's because your voice will be well- rested. Make sure you drink water, and not milk, before you plan on doing a lot of speaking, because milk can increase mucus, which is not good for your voice.
• Take a short break and stretch three times a day. At 10:30 in the morning and 2:30 and 4:30 in the afternoon, do stretching exercises, to loosen up your back and shoulder muscles.
• Use the late-morning hours to think and strategize big decisions. At this time of the day, your body temperature is rising, which means you're more alert and your brain can process information better. Seduce someone at 11:55am. This is when their mood should be at its best, so ask some you're interested in, or already seeing, out to lunch at this time.
• Have a healthy protein snack, like nuts, around 2pm. This will increase your energy and keep you fill until dinner, so you won't be sneaking a candy bar later in the afternoon.
• Have a cup of coffee or take a walk at 3:00 in the afternoon, to help stay more alert.
• Make and return calls at 3:30pm. The caffeine you drank at 3:00 should be kicking in right about now, and talking with people will help revive and stimulate your mood so you can finish the day on an "up" note.